What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
