I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Randomize
