He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
