a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
