I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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