Kareoke will never be a sober sport
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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