Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
