just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
