Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
