Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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