I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
