Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
