If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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