I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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