dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
