Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
