Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
