New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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