The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
