I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Randomize
