I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
