hotel room ftw
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
