After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
