just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
All the doctor said was why
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
