when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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