she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
