Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
