I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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