i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Randomize
