i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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