I wish my penis had an off switch
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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