does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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