I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
