I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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