he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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