Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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