It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
