I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
In other news, I just burned my penis
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
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