my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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