How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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