Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
