Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
