I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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