seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
just tell him i said nine months
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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