I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
