And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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