So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
