I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
