So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
