Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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