What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
