Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
