you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
