I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I had to cum in my sink.
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