You're completely useless in the revolution.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
