I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
