Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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