I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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