Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
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